I've come to the conclusion that being my age, $$, and the need to make new friends is highly overrated. I am set in my ways and have so many things about me that I'm not willing to compromise on. I like being at home; I never have been one to visit people in theirs, immediate family exempt. I figure if I'm going to sit in someones house and talk I can do that at home, in my bed and on the phone. I really don't like people outside of family. I have a limited tolerance for ignorance or what others may call...stupid people. I don't want to have to consider other peoples feelings. I hate when others try to impose their feelings and beliefs on me. My life is very much drama free. Also, as you may have picked-up on during this post, 'I' use 'I' quite a bit because 'I' am so into myself that 'I' will not be open to an 'Us'. It's all about me! 
    
     Now, 'I' do have a life. A fabulous life. 'I' gave birth to three fabulous and intelligent children, one deceased. My two surviving adults are very successful and I also have two gifted teenage grands. They all are my life!! example: I could sit for days in their living rooms, alone with no contact and would be satisfied tremendously. Don't waist your time trying to psycho analyze me. Many professionals have already tried. 

My_Ran_Dumb_Thought:  Be okay with who you are. Don't compromise who you are for anyone. When you are comfortable being...BE YOU!! Including the you that prefers to be alone most of the time. The amount of friends we have does not define us. I've gone through some tragic moments in my life and it has never failed. The ones you expect to be there for you are never the ones in your corner. 

Multiple Hearts

   

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Thirty-three years ago today, my loving angel Jamarr was born! During my first hour of bonding with Jamarr, I was informed that, within the first two hours of birth, a pediatrician must examine Jamarr. (it was the law) Well…on this day; thirty-three years ago; at Johns Hopkins Hospital; this did not happen. Jamarr, only 7bls 10ozs, fought and cried with those doctors until they returned him to me. He was not having it! So, for the rest of our hospital stay, the staff had to come to my room to care for him. (in the eighties this was unheard of) On, January, 27, 1981, a child of God was born! The future recipient of many, many miracles!
During Jamarr’s nineteen years of life he received three life saving Heart Transplants. Before and after receiving his miracles he believed in paying it forward. It gave him great pleasure sharing his story and educating the public about the need for Organ, Eye and Tissue Donors.
In memory of Jamarr, I’d like to share the transplant journey of a young man named Andrew. Andrew is need of a Kidney Transplant and I feel his story is a window into the lives many other candidates waiting for a life saving Organ. Please read his entire story and share with others!!
We All Have The Power To Save A Life!!

http://andrewneedsakidney.com/

My Holiday Blues

     The Holiday Season is very difficult for me this year. No matter how much I try and hide, I cannot hide from my grief. The pain is so intense, almost as intense as the day I lost Jamarr. He's 32 years old now and I often wonder what he'd being doing or where he'd be living? I wonder if he'd have a wife and kids by now; would he have finished college and gone onto Grad school? What would he have chosen for his career? 
     My HEART aches. I know life goes on, whether we participate in it or not. It stops for no one. I am, however, entitled to pause for a moment; step back and watch life itself pass me by; even if just for a moment. But, this Holiday Season, I'm having difficulty coming out of my pause. 
     

     

New Year's Resolutions For Bereaved Parents

  I resolve...
That I will grieve as much, and for as long, as I feel like grieving, and that I will not let others put a time table on my grief.

That I will grieve in whatever way I feel like grieving, and I will ignore those who try to tell me what I should or should not be feeling and how I should or should not be behaving.

That I will cry whenever and wherever I feel like crying, and that I will not hold  back my tears just because someone else feels I should be "brave" or "getting better" or "healing by now."

That I will talk about my child as often as I want to, and that I will not let others turn me off just because they can't deal with their own feelings.

That I will not expect family and friends to know how I feel, understanding that one who has not lost a child can not possibly know how it feels.

That I will not blame myself for my child's death,  and that  I will constantly remind myself that I did the best job of parenting I could possibly have done.But when feelings of guilt are overwhelming, I will remind myself that this is a normal part of the grief process and it, too, will pass.

That I will not be afraid or ashamed to seek professional help if I feel it is necessary.

That I will commune with my child at least once a day in whatever way feels comfortable and natural to me, and that  I won't feel compelled to explain this communion to others or to justify or even discuss it with them.

Homeless Stranger

     Well, a few weeks ago I went to return a library book. Yes, an actual book. They do still exist. Anyway, there was a homeless person asleep on the sidewalk, in front of the door. I first hesitated to get out of the car, but they weren't blocking my access so I dropped my book off. It was a very cold night and my heart just skipped a beat because I just couldn't imagine having to sleep out in the elements. I wanted to wake them and offer them some coffee...of course that thought quickly left my mind. I thought, what if they're a veteran and are having a nightmare and decide to attack me...(dumb thoughts) I digress!!
     So, I can't get them out of my mind. It's like I need to make them my new project. Although, they were wrapped in a thick sleeping bag, I still want to take them a blanket, leave some hot coffee out for them and maybe even breakfast. What would you do? Sure, I could pray for them, but prayer without work is nothing. Oh well, just a thought.